Anger is an important emotion. It is an emotion that needs to be taken seriously. Like all emotions anger has an urgent message for us to listen to. The structure of an intimate relationship or a marriage allows many opportunities for anger, resentment, agitation, and frustration to manifest and show up; since it is a structure that you allow yourself to be the most vulnerable and have many set expectations.

Although it is absolutely normal to feel angry and want to express it to our mate, angry outburst in any format is destructive to the core of the intimate relationship. Sharing the message and your need without the intensity of the anger that attacks is very helpful and creates closeness and health in the relationship. Bursting unleashed anger in the form of sarcasm, jabs, condescending remarks, attacking, criticizing, demeaning, swearing, threatening, hitting, slapping, kicking, punching, or any type of physical assault is plain destructive to the fundamental core of an intimate relationship.

Safety, security, gentleness, love, caring, vulnerability, compassion, empathy and understanding is what keeps the intimacy alive within a relationship.

So, what can you do when you are angry at your mate for doing something that you did not like or did not fulfill your expectation?

1. Look at what triggered you. Something that your mate did or did not do and should have done has made you angry. What was the actual behavior? What was the added stories that you created on top of his/her behavior? What, in reality, happened? What were your expectations? What are your thoughts and feelings about the unmet expectation?

2. Reality check your expectation. Is your expectation real? Is it doable? Was it ever requested before or just expected? Is your expectation too high or low? Have you done what you are expecting from your mate? Is your mate capable of giving you what you expect? Does your mate agree with what you are expecting? Is your mate in control of what you are expecting?

3. Get clear with your need or desire. What do you really need? What would it look like if you actually received it? How frequent or how much do have that need? In what format would you like to receive it?

4. Request your need. Create the opportunity of having a conversation about your need. Request a time to have his/her attention, maybe even make an appointment.

5. Converse in a way to be heard. Start by acknowledging all that your mate has done for you which has made you happy, state your need in a tangible way, ask your mate whether he/she can fulfill your need, don’t assume that they can or that they should.

6. Negotiate toward satisfaction. First bring all the facts on the table and then see where the similarities and agreements are and then negotiate on the small parts of disagreements. If you don’t get a big YES right away, don’t get disappointed, there is another human being with their own needs in front of you that has to take your need into consideration. Allow multiple discussion times if agreements don’t come about quickly. Allow modification of the implementation of your need if agreement can be gotten that way. Allow the negotiation be in a way that you both feel important, heard, and seen.

Feeling heard, understood and cared for calms our anger down. Your goal of fulfilling your needs can be manifested by clear and authentic communication much more and faster than blasting your anger. This way of communicating will promote love, intimacy and closeness.

Dr. Foojan Zeine is a Radio/ Podcast host, International Speaker, Psychotherapist, Life Coach, and the Author of Life Reset – The Awareness Integration Path to Create the life You Want. She is the originator of evidence based “Awareness Integration” psychotherapeutic model. Foojan hosts the “Inner Voice” show in the KMET1490AM/ ABC Radio. For more information visit www.Foojan.com.