Are you fighting with your honey? Or maybe you aren’t fighting, but the tension is building along with the distance between you. If you fight about the same kinds of things over and over again, you’re not alone. Healthy couples fight––and it’s the sign of a healthy relationship to tussle and get things out in the open. Fighting doesn’t mean that something’s wrong; it means that something is surfacing that needs attention. A bigger problem is a lack of conflict, engagement, and fighting. However, whether you are fighting or avoiding fights, you need to learn to work through your conflict; and you can’t do that until you identify the deeper yearning or trigger underneath the fight––which, regardless of the surface topic, is really what the fight is about.

See if you can relate to the 6 common fights healthy couples have:

1. Up and down toilet seats and other domestic disputes. Petty squabbles and disagreements about chores, toilet seats, and feeling like an unappreciated Cinder(f)ella may seem superficial; but underneath, there are power and control struggles at unconscious levels in all relationships. This skirmishing serves a purpose, helping to resolve or at least expose issues that would otherwise eat away at your relationship. Chances are that under your anger over how your partner handles the laundry, leaves the toilet seat, or does fewer chores than you, there’s a deeper longing. Do you yearn to be heard, validated, affirmed, tended to, loved, or to matter? That may be what you are really fighting about.

2. Money––dueling over dollars. Financial feuds, whether about making money, spending it, using it the way you want it, managing it (or not)?are volatile topics for many couples. Money may be a valid concern, however, money is usually only the surface subject of the argument. Money is powerfully symbolic of many things depending on the individual. These fights often mask issues of self-worth, values, or a sense of security. They can stem from a desire to be appreciated, unmet desires such as keeping up with the Joneses, or hunger for social affirmation. We all want to be loved, and we easily make the mistake of equating enough money with enough love.

3. Sexual dissatisfaction. Do any of these sound familiar? "You are never in the mood!" "You’re always in the mood." "You’re just going through the motions." "You don’t find me attractive anymore." "You only touch me when you want sex." "You never initiate sex." Fights like this are common and are about more than sexual intimacy. Unlock these fights and you’ll find valuable information about how to have better intercourse in all ways, making the relationship, as well as the sex, better.

Adult sexual needs are often secondary to unmet developmental needs. We often have much younger, pre-sexual needs to be affirmed, seen, known, and cared about. Meeting these deeper needs often makes you feel much closer, which often leads to more satisfying sex. Rather than just using sex to get close, you express your closeness sexually. Getting to your submerged yearnings deepens your intimacy and takes the conversation beyond the number of times you do it weekly, which tends to go up when couples argue productively together without necessarily focusing on it or keeping score.

4. The blame game. Are you each looking to point the finger? Looking to find fault for a lousy vacation, a crummy restaurant choice, an obnoxious visitor overstaying her welcome, the argument itself––keeps you stuck in a lot of drama with no resolution. There’s a big difference between scapegoating and figuring out why something went wrong. The former is a vindictive activity while the latter is a learning exercise. Instead of assigning blame in arguments, focus instead on what it will take for you to be satisfied. Figure out what you’re so upset about, what went wrong, and how to change it now and in the future.