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4 Mindful Ways To Keep Your Marriage StrongDeepen compassion and connection with these these simple practices.
Daniel J. Schwarz
You and your spouse are going to have many adventures together, here's how to make sure you grow together.
“ A great way to nurture a positive bond with your spouse is to share a guided meditation together.”
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The wedding bells rang, the guests tore up the dance floor and you and your partner rode off into the sunset. Or perhaps the pandemic forced you to put off your wedding, and you and your partner are just now tying the knot. What next?
We use the phrase "the honeymoon is over" to refer to that time when the bliss of being newly married wears off and the real work of building a life together kicks in. Marriage is a partnership, and partnerships can be challenging. No longer are you responsible for only your own decisions. Now you must work together and come to a common understanding on everything: from sex to finances to raising children. When disagreements and misunderstandings arise, how can we move forward together? Practicing mindfulness, alone or with our partner, can enrich our relationships by making us more calm, compassionate and present with our partner.
Mindfulness is the practice of being aware of ourselves in the present moment and recognizing but not judging our current experience. It can help us move through the challenging moments more easily so we can enjoy our partner and our relationship more.
Although people often think of mindfulness as a solitary activity, the roots of mindfulness —concentration and connection—can deepen our relationship with our partners and ourselves.
Practicing mindfulness, both on your own and with your partner, will help you to acknowledge difficulties, stay in loving connection as you work on them, and shift your focus to the good. Try these simple practices and don’t be surprised if if you feel your love and compassion for your partner grow:
1. Create a list of things that give you joy. Sit with your spouse and write down a list of the things that you both enjoy doing together. It may take a little time, but that’s okay. Give yourselves the space you need for the ideas to come to mind. Your list might include things like jogging in the park, reading by the fire, or cooking a nice meal. Then do one of those things together each day. If you have a day off, you can spend the day nurturing your relationship and generating joy by doing a few of the things on your list together.
2. Try practicing loving-kindness. Loving-kindness (also known as "metta") meditation allows us to send positive feelings to ourselves and to others. There are many varieties of metta, but all involve repeating a silent mantra that generates positivity. Begin by finding a comfortable seat and sending yourself loving-kindness by silently saying, "May I be safe, may I be healthy, may I live with ease, may I be loved and appreciated." Next, direct your metta to your spouse by repeating the phrases, this time with your spouse’s name, instead of "I." After you’ve generated good feelings for yourself and your spouse, you may want to go on to send loving-kindness to others: friends, family, strangers, or pets.
3. Come together for a guided meditation. A great way to nurture a positive bond with your spouse is to share a guided meditation together. There are many to choose from. A simple meditation on the breath is a great place to start for some time of peaceful focus. Or you may choose an abundance meditation to nurture your sense of gratitude. A mantra meditation allows you to unite with your spouse in sound, whether you choose to chant a phrase or a single meaningful word. After your practice, you can speak quietly with your spouse about what you both discovered during your meditation.
4. Write down what you appreciate about your partner. Peace with your partner can be found in redirecting your thinking. It is easy to dwell on the little things that irritate us and be blocked from all of the beautiful things about the person you share your life with. Sit somewhere quietly with a pen and paper and make a list of at least 3 of your spouse’s amazing qualities (but don’t be surprised if you think of more once you get started). You can do this anytime you are feeling irritated. By redirecting your focus and feelings in this way, you may find that it was your own negative thoughts that were disrupting your peace, rather than your partner.
When you first begin to practice mindfulness in your marriage, it might feel uncomfortable or a little awkward, but stay with it. Just as with meditation, if you continue to practice on a regular basis, it will come with more ease. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with having challenges in your relationship. It is completely normal. Though we can’t avoid the problems, when we practice mindfulness in our marriage we can handle difficult moments with compassion and love rather than resentment and anger. Being mindful allows you to sit with the hard times, manage the difficulties together in compassionate connection, and then shift your focus to the positive.
Julie Potiker is a mindfulness expert with extensive teacher training in a variety of tools and methods, including Mindful Self-Compassion. Through her Mindful Methods for Life program offerings and her book, "Life Falls Apart, but You Don’t Have To: Mindful Methods for Staying Calm in the Midst of Chaos" Julie helps others bring more peace and wellness into their lives. For more information, visit MindfulMethodsForLife.com.
We use the phrase "the honeymoon is over" to refer to that time when the bliss of being newly married wears off and the real work of building a life together kicks in. Marriage is a partnership, and partnerships can be challenging. No longer are you responsible for only your own decisions. Now you must work together and come to a common understanding on everything: from sex to finances to raising children. When disagreements and misunderstandings arise, how can we move forward together? Practicing mindfulness, alone or with our partner, can enrich our relationships by making us more calm, compassionate and present with our partner.
Mindfulness is the practice of being aware of ourselves in the present moment and recognizing but not judging our current experience. It can help us move through the challenging moments more easily so we can enjoy our partner and our relationship more.
Although people often think of mindfulness as a solitary activity, the roots of mindfulness —concentration and connection—can deepen our relationship with our partners and ourselves.
Practicing mindfulness, both on your own and with your partner, will help you to acknowledge difficulties, stay in loving connection as you work on them, and shift your focus to the good. Try these simple practices and don’t be surprised if if you feel your love and compassion for your partner grow:
1. Create a list of things that give you joy. Sit with your spouse and write down a list of the things that you both enjoy doing together. It may take a little time, but that’s okay. Give yourselves the space you need for the ideas to come to mind. Your list might include things like jogging in the park, reading by the fire, or cooking a nice meal. Then do one of those things together each day. If you have a day off, you can spend the day nurturing your relationship and generating joy by doing a few of the things on your list together.
2. Try practicing loving-kindness. Loving-kindness (also known as "metta") meditation allows us to send positive feelings to ourselves and to others. There are many varieties of metta, but all involve repeating a silent mantra that generates positivity. Begin by finding a comfortable seat and sending yourself loving-kindness by silently saying, "May I be safe, may I be healthy, may I live with ease, may I be loved and appreciated." Next, direct your metta to your spouse by repeating the phrases, this time with your spouse’s name, instead of "I." After you’ve generated good feelings for yourself and your spouse, you may want to go on to send loving-kindness to others: friends, family, strangers, or pets.
3. Come together for a guided meditation. A great way to nurture a positive bond with your spouse is to share a guided meditation together. There are many to choose from. A simple meditation on the breath is a great place to start for some time of peaceful focus. Or you may choose an abundance meditation to nurture your sense of gratitude. A mantra meditation allows you to unite with your spouse in sound, whether you choose to chant a phrase or a single meaningful word. After your practice, you can speak quietly with your spouse about what you both discovered during your meditation.
4. Write down what you appreciate about your partner. Peace with your partner can be found in redirecting your thinking. It is easy to dwell on the little things that irritate us and be blocked from all of the beautiful things about the person you share your life with. Sit somewhere quietly with a pen and paper and make a list of at least 3 of your spouse’s amazing qualities (but don’t be surprised if you think of more once you get started). You can do this anytime you are feeling irritated. By redirecting your focus and feelings in this way, you may find that it was your own negative thoughts that were disrupting your peace, rather than your partner.
When you first begin to practice mindfulness in your marriage, it might feel uncomfortable or a little awkward, but stay with it. Just as with meditation, if you continue to practice on a regular basis, it will come with more ease. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with having challenges in your relationship. It is completely normal. Though we can’t avoid the problems, when we practice mindfulness in our marriage we can handle difficult moments with compassion and love rather than resentment and anger. Being mindful allows you to sit with the hard times, manage the difficulties together in compassionate connection, and then shift your focus to the positive.
Julie Potiker is a mindfulness expert with extensive teacher training in a variety of tools and methods, including Mindful Self-Compassion. Through her Mindful Methods for Life program offerings and her book, "Life Falls Apart, but You Don’t Have To: Mindful Methods for Staying Calm in the Midst of Chaos" Julie helps others bring more peace and wellness into their lives. For more information, visit MindfulMethodsForLife.com.
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