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Strong Conversations: Use the 5 Most Common Reasons for DivorceWe sometimes run away from the vulnerable parts in our lives, but facing them head-on could make them your strength.
Miguel Á. Padrińán
The conversations seem tough on the outside, but once you start you'll see how empowering it is.
“ Unexpressed feelings never die; they just get buried and come forth later in uglier forms.”
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Most of us have seen studies or articles on the five prime causes of divorce:
* Money concerns
* Sexual issues
* Parenting differences
* Career or goal disagreements
* Moral or religious conflicts
An interesting juxtaposition is to view those five prime causes of divorce as the five things couples should be most conscientious about in terms of open and total communication—we can adopt them as the very five things that have to be communicated about almost constantly in a strong marriage.
Think about that juxtaposition for a moment: The five things that are most commonly blamed for divorce are the very five things that have to be the topics of open, ongoing communication if a marriage is to be strong. Consistent, candid conversation about each of the five is what will turn the topics into strengths and elements of unity instead of problems that can lead to separation or divorce.
Some will say, "Can’t we each have our own finances—why share everything?" Or, "Why do we have to talk about sex—can’t we just do it?" Or, "She’s strict with the kids and I’m not—we just agree to disagree."
But most of us understand that these five things, if they go unresolved and undiscussed, can bring down a marriage. Yet if they are openly, deliberately, and almost constantly talked about, they can bring the understanding and empathy—if not the agreement—that can keep a marriage strong.
So, when? How? Where do we talk consistently about these five things? A few ideas:
Try to go to bed together at the same time to facilitate "pillow talk."
Go on a weekly date and continue your courtship, as well as your communication about these five issues.
Have a weekly Sunday Session, or meeting between just the two of you, once a week where you discuss the schedule and goals for the next week. Once a month, make your session more of a little getaway to plan the month. Then, take a short trip together once a year to set goals for the year ahead. Incorporate into all of these an ongoing conversation about the five key discussion topics. Make the list of topics part of your agenda. (More on this later.)
Pray together every night, or meditate if you don’t pray, and include the five topics.
Remember the truth in this section and make it your motto: "Unexpressed feelings never die; they just get buried and come forth later in uglier forms."
The fact that we know what the five most common reasons are for divorce does not mean that we should fear them, it means we should be warned by them and proactively make them the five things we work hardest to communicate about.
5-5: Listening to Each Other
It turns out that it is your ears that can improve your relationship most, not your tongue.
An underlying problem with most relationships is that one key word we know so well but sometimes practice so little—listening!
Let us toss out 10 listening ideas we think have merit. Pick from the list the ones you feel you could improve on or that seem like they would work for you:
* Make eye contact. Let your spouse see that you are really paying attention.
* Ask the right kind of questions, which often use the words "how" and "feel." ("How did that make you feel?") Ask questions that make your spouse think and that can’t be answered with one word.
* Learn to use the word "Really?" It can be said in dozens of different intonations and usually extends and deepens a conversation. It can imply surprise, praise, agreement, or empathy, and it just shows that you are listening and encourages the other to keep on talking.
* Even better than the word "really" is the technique of simply re-phrasing what your spouse has just said. Don’t judge or solve or end anything, just repeat it back in your own words so that your spouse knows that you were listening and feels encouraged to go on.
* Take advantage of the time you are in the car together. Turn the radio off and ask good questions. Your spouse can’t get up and walk away and neither can you.
* As mentioned, use "pillow time" as listening time—when you are relaxed and tired and both have your guard down.
* Praise and reward each other’s questions. Quick or dismissive answers to a spouse’s questions are opportunities wasted. Start by saying, "Great question," and then add something like, "What do you think the answer is?" Turn it into as long of a discussion as you have time for, and then suggest that you continue the talk later or perhaps do some research on it together.
* Include each other in any social media you use. Also, have joint social media accounts when possible—pages that you share and that you both post on. Follow each other and follow the same others.
* Try to say "no" less. We have a good friend who offered to give his wife a dollar every time he said the word "no" just to get him out of the habit. It cost him a little money, but he soon got over it and found that there were other, nicer ways to reply in the negative when he had to. Too often we say "no" (or "no, no, n-n-n-no") too quickly to express disagreement or disapproval—before we have taken the time to listen.
* Ask each other to tell you their "happy" for the day and their "sad" for the day—and tell them yours.
Oh, the power that comes and the love that is shown by listening. We all know listening is the key to better communication and hopefully these ideas, or others that they will bring to your mind, will help you to do just a little bit better.
Richard and Linda Eyre are New York Times #1 bestselling authors whose writing career has spanned four decades and whose books have sold in the millions. They have appeared on virtually all major national talk shows, including Oprah and Today, and have seen their books translated into a dozen languages. They write a syndicated weekly newspaper column and currently spend most of their time traveling and speaking to audiences throughout the world on families, parenting, and life-balance (and trying to keep up with their twenty-six grandchildren). The Eyres’ vision statement is "Fortify families by celebrating commitment, popularizing parenting, bolstering balance, and validating values." The Eyres live in Park City, Utah.
* Money concerns
* Sexual issues
* Parenting differences
* Career or goal disagreements
* Moral or religious conflicts
An interesting juxtaposition is to view those five prime causes of divorce as the five things couples should be most conscientious about in terms of open and total communication—we can adopt them as the very five things that have to be communicated about almost constantly in a strong marriage.
Think about that juxtaposition for a moment: The five things that are most commonly blamed for divorce are the very five things that have to be the topics of open, ongoing communication if a marriage is to be strong. Consistent, candid conversation about each of the five is what will turn the topics into strengths and elements of unity instead of problems that can lead to separation or divorce.
Some will say, "Can’t we each have our own finances—why share everything?" Or, "Why do we have to talk about sex—can’t we just do it?" Or, "She’s strict with the kids and I’m not—we just agree to disagree."
But most of us understand that these five things, if they go unresolved and undiscussed, can bring down a marriage. Yet if they are openly, deliberately, and almost constantly talked about, they can bring the understanding and empathy—if not the agreement—that can keep a marriage strong.
So, when? How? Where do we talk consistently about these five things? A few ideas:
Try to go to bed together at the same time to facilitate "pillow talk."
Go on a weekly date and continue your courtship, as well as your communication about these five issues.
Have a weekly Sunday Session, or meeting between just the two of you, once a week where you discuss the schedule and goals for the next week. Once a month, make your session more of a little getaway to plan the month. Then, take a short trip together once a year to set goals for the year ahead. Incorporate into all of these an ongoing conversation about the five key discussion topics. Make the list of topics part of your agenda. (More on this later.)
Pray together every night, or meditate if you don’t pray, and include the five topics.
Remember the truth in this section and make it your motto: "Unexpressed feelings never die; they just get buried and come forth later in uglier forms."
The fact that we know what the five most common reasons are for divorce does not mean that we should fear them, it means we should be warned by them and proactively make them the five things we work hardest to communicate about.
5-5: Listening to Each Other
It turns out that it is your ears that can improve your relationship most, not your tongue.
An underlying problem with most relationships is that one key word we know so well but sometimes practice so little—listening!
Let us toss out 10 listening ideas we think have merit. Pick from the list the ones you feel you could improve on or that seem like they would work for you:
* Make eye contact. Let your spouse see that you are really paying attention.
* Ask the right kind of questions, which often use the words "how" and "feel." ("How did that make you feel?") Ask questions that make your spouse think and that can’t be answered with one word.
* Learn to use the word "Really?" It can be said in dozens of different intonations and usually extends and deepens a conversation. It can imply surprise, praise, agreement, or empathy, and it just shows that you are listening and encourages the other to keep on talking.
* Even better than the word "really" is the technique of simply re-phrasing what your spouse has just said. Don’t judge or solve or end anything, just repeat it back in your own words so that your spouse knows that you were listening and feels encouraged to go on.
* Take advantage of the time you are in the car together. Turn the radio off and ask good questions. Your spouse can’t get up and walk away and neither can you.
“We have a good friend who offered to give his wife a dollar every time he said the word 'no' just to get him out of the habit.”
* As mentioned, use "pillow time" as listening time—when you are relaxed and tired and both have your guard down.
* Praise and reward each other’s questions. Quick or dismissive answers to a spouse’s questions are opportunities wasted. Start by saying, "Great question," and then add something like, "What do you think the answer is?" Turn it into as long of a discussion as you have time for, and then suggest that you continue the talk later or perhaps do some research on it together.
* Include each other in any social media you use. Also, have joint social media accounts when possible—pages that you share and that you both post on. Follow each other and follow the same others.
* Try to say "no" less. We have a good friend who offered to give his wife a dollar every time he said the word "no" just to get him out of the habit. It cost him a little money, but he soon got over it and found that there were other, nicer ways to reply in the negative when he had to. Too often we say "no" (or "no, no, n-n-n-no") too quickly to express disagreement or disapproval—before we have taken the time to listen.
* Ask each other to tell you their "happy" for the day and their "sad" for the day—and tell them yours.
Oh, the power that comes and the love that is shown by listening. We all know listening is the key to better communication and hopefully these ideas, or others that they will bring to your mind, will help you to do just a little bit better.
Richard and Linda Eyre are New York Times #1 bestselling authors whose writing career has spanned four decades and whose books have sold in the millions. They have appeared on virtually all major national talk shows, including Oprah and Today, and have seen their books translated into a dozen languages. They write a syndicated weekly newspaper column and currently spend most of their time traveling and speaking to audiences throughout the world on families, parenting, and life-balance (and trying to keep up with their twenty-six grandchildren). The Eyres’ vision statement is "Fortify families by celebrating commitment, popularizing parenting, bolstering balance, and validating values." The Eyres live in Park City, Utah.
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