4 Ways To Put The Spark Back Into A Sexless Marriage
If you want your sex life to change you need to take action for something new to happen. Here's a simple roadmap.
BY DAVID ESSEL, M.S.

DepositPhotos Get closer together by opening up and finding out the desires of your spouse. “ It amazes me when I work with couples who are very bored in their sex life, how many of them have stopped asking the most important questions that I just listed above.”

Let's face it, after six months, six years or 25 years, most couples move away from an exciting intimate relationship, to one of boredom. Inadequacy. Frustration.

For 28 years, I’ve helped thousands of couples to brighten up their intimate life, that brings more joy into every part of their existence. Below are four top keys to help you add that spice and excitement back into your sex life that may have been missing for many months at the least, and many years at the worst.

Number One. When was the last time you asked your partner what they desire regarding your intimate experiences? When was the last time you sent them a text or an e-mail, which are much more effective than talking in person, and asked them what they would like to do differently in regards to intimacy? In regards to sex?

It amazes me when I work with couples who are very bored in their sex life, how many of them have stopped asking the most important questions that I just listed above.

And why is that? Well number one, there's resentments. Resentments get in the way of intimacy every time. Most couples, when I ask them to share their most intimate thoughts, shut down immediately. It's not shame. It's not guilt. They don't want to talk in front of their partner about intimacy, and what they desire, because they're too pissed off over things they've never taken care of.

So if you are one of those people, if you fall into the category that you don't even care about sex anymore because you've got too many resentments, you need to work with a counselor, minister or life coach to get rid of the resentments first. Step one. If you don't do this? Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever change.

Now assuming that you've already done the work and you have minimal if any resentments, let's go back to what I stated above. Send an email, or text to your partner today, not tomorrow, not Sunday, but today and ask them what is missing for them in their sex life with you. Let's see if they will risk being open and vulnerable and give you a key to what they desire to make your intimate life more exciting.

Number Two. Don't worry, I'm not going leave you, the reader of this article, out of the equation. On your own, I want you to send an e-mail or text to your partner telling them what you love about your intimate life. Is it the way they kiss? Is it how they hold your hand? Or how they hug you as you leave for work?

Starting your communication like this is incredibly important. This type of email or text opens the door for the next part of this equation.

Then after you've told them what you enjoy about your intimate experience, slowly start explaining what it is that you would like to do in addition to what they already do well.

And be specific. Don't leave them guessing. Don't say things like, "I'd like to be more intimate with you..." that means nothing.

You're going to have to risk to get something big in life. So you might say to them, "I'd love to be more intimate with you, which means going back to when we first got together and made love three times per week." Now you have sent something they can wrap their heads around, when you actually sit down to talk about increasing the spice in your intimate life.

Number Three. Next is the big conversation. After you've exchanged e-mails and text, which is a safe way to begin adding spice to your intimate life, now we have to sit down and actually face each other to discuss what direction the relationship needs to go in.

This should always be done outside of the bedroom. Not during sex, not just after sex because we are all way too vulnerable in that period of time.

Tell them you'd like to go for a walk to talk about enhancing your intimate life. Or sit in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and just casually discuss where you'd like to go. Before you have this conversation, ask them to be open-minded, please not to shut you down, that if they don't agree with something you say they can simply say that doesn't feel right, instead of making fun of you or completely shutting down to any recommendations you might have.

I found with many couples this part of the conversation can be greatly enhanced by working with a professional. Recently, I had a chance to help a couple in California over Skype that was having extreme intimate issues. They were both bored, and they were both filled with resentment. Once we cleared the resentments out-of-the-way, and we had them both on Skype for their session, they were very open to answering the questions I gave them. This also took some of the embarrassment away from either of them having to be the leader in the conversation.

“ Have you ever sent them a text saying, "When you get home tonight, I want you to close your eyes and simply walk into the bedroom."”

Number Four. Have you ever told your spouse that you were going to take control of the intimate experience you wanted to share with them this evening? Have you ever sent them a text saying, "When you get home tonight, I want you to close your eyes and simply walk into the bedroom. I will hold your hand so you won't walk into any walls, but I'm really excited about what I have planned for you."

In the bedroom already set up you have candles, maybe silk or satin sheets, and soft music playing in the background.

One of my female clients did this for her partner, and told him that in the background an intimate educational DVD would be playing with people making sensual love. So with his eyes closed as he entered the room he heard people whispering to each other, he smelled the candle scent. When she led him to the bed and he sat down he could feel the satin sheets.

Next she started kissing him on his forehead, neck and lips. Within minutes he could could hardly contain himself.

Then she asked him to slowly stand up and she fully undressed him. She told him to lie down on his stomach and she gently started to massage his back with baby oil. He had never had this experience before, all of his senses were highly aroused. And it didn't take long for their intimate life to change dramatically.

The next week, he surprised her on a Friday night with a text on his way home from work. Here's what it said.

"Honey, tomorrow is my day to take care of you. In the morning after you come home from the gym, I want you to take a shower and stay in the shower completely naked and just let me know you're done. "

When she did this, he told her to close her eyes and he came in and did a complete loofah scrub over her entire body while her eyes were closed in the shower.

He turned the water off, and had massage oil with him that he spread all over her body, massaging every inch along the way. She could not contain her excitement, turned to him and they made love standing in the shower stall, something they had never done in their entire 25 years together.

Now there are some couples that will look at the above four steps and say that they are elementary in regards to adding spice to their relationships. But there's no judgment here. If the above is mild, go wild in your own way.

However, if you need to start somewhere, if you're bored and know that you need help to re-create a more exciting intimate life, the above four steps will get you going.

I think the key is to realize you need help, and ask for it. There are thousands of counselors and therapists like myself all around the world who are more than happy to help you reclaim the intimate excitement you had when you began your dating and or marriage experience. Don't wait. Today is the day to grab your partner by the hand and the heart… And lead them to a path of deeper intimacy and connection.

David Essel, M. S., Is a number one best-selling author, counselor, master life coach, and international speaker whose mission is to positively affect 2 million people or more every day, regardless of their current circumstances. David's work is also highly endorsed by the late Wayne Dyer, chicken soup for the soul's Mark Victor Hansen, as well as many other celebrities and radio and television networks from around the U.S. Celebrity Jenny McCarthy says "David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement". His work can be seen at www.talkdavid.com

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