How Men Can Put More Sex Back Into Marriage
A quick understanding of why many wives turn down sex and the simple things men can do to have more sex in their marriage.
BY KURT SMITH, LMFT, LPCC, AFC

DepositPhoto If guys want more sex in their marriage they can start by becoming more attractive to their wives. “ The bottom line is that most men just don't connect the dots of their behavior impacting how much sex they have.”

A regular complaint from most of the men I work with in marriage counseling is that they'd like to have sex more often. This isn't a universal complaint from all the men, but it is one from the majority of them.

There can be many factors that contribute to married men having less sex than they want—the distraction of kids, work stress, financial pressures, managing a household, and many more. But what most men overlook, or more accurately choose not to see, is their part in their wife's attraction to them.

Although a lot of women don't have as high of a sex drive as their husbands, this doesn't mean they don't want or like to have sex. The 2013 iVillage Married Sex Survey showed that 43% of wives were in the mood for sex in the last week. This number can even be significantly higher because in the 2012 survey 62% of women were in the mood in the past 7 days (There's hope guys!).

The bottom line is that most men just don't connect the dots of their behavior impacting how much sex they have. I was counseling a man recently who hadn't had sex with his wife for 2 weeks and was going out of his mind (this guy isn't meant to represent all of us guys). As we discussed his "no sex" problem in marriage counseling with his wife, he was a real butt-head about his "needs" getting met without consideration for her. When his wife told him part of the reason she hadn't been in the mood to have sex was because he was yelling at her daily, he told her "you're a liar."

Now this butt-head is a bit of an extreme example and I use him for illustrative purposes only (yes, he is real I can assure you, so can his wife). What this sex-starved Joe refused to see was the connection between his butt-headed behavior and his wife's lack of interest.

So what can husbands do to get their wives in the mood? Here are the top five things women say turn them on according to the most recent iVillage Married Sex Survey:

1. Feelings of Love (59%)
2. When Your Partner Takes Initiative (not just for sex, guys)
3. When Your Partner Says Nice Things
4. Being on Vacation with Your Partner
5. When Your Partner Says Sexy Things

What's great about this list is only one of these takes some time and money. The rest can be implemented immediately and don't require any special training. Okay, maybe the assistance of a counselor could help refine guys' skills, but there's certainly nothing getting in the way of husbands trying a few of these.

Here are a few ideas on what the above turn-ons from wives can look like:

* Tell her that you love something about her—make it about her, not about what she does. Something like, "I love the way you're able to work with Ali on her homework without losing your cool." (Hint: something about being a good mom is almost a sure hit).

* Almost all wives have things they tell us they'd like us to do and many of us either never do them or drag our feet about it. Whatever's on that list, pick one and do it. And if it's repeatable, do it again next week. (I frequently hear wives tell their husbands they wish they cleaned up after themselves more).

* Compliment her on something about her appearance that's important to her. For example, "I really like your new hair style" or "I appreciate how persistent you are in exercising every day."

Sex is enjoyable and fun, and "no sex" sure isn't. But the great thing about not having enough sex in marriage is that there's almost always something you can do about it. Now if you're a guy and you'd like more sex, don't click away from this post until you pick one thing from the above list that you'll start today. Come on guys let's complain less about not enough sex and do more about it.

Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC specializes in counseling men and the women who love them. He is the Director and Lead Counselor at Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, a private counseling practice in Roseville, CA. Kurt is sought-after for his expertise in understanding men, their partners and the unique issues they face.

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