Making Sex Special Again
Use these 5 tips to help redefine your love and break free from the ordinary.
BY DR. DENISE J. CHARLES

DepositPhoto Flirt with your spouse on a regular basis and let your desires for each other build throughout the day and week. “ Sex is so much in our faces every day that we have long lost the value of understated sexiness, of slow sensuality, and of sweet, private abandon.”

This is undoubtedly the age of sexual freedom where any and everything goes. Sexual boundaries have been lowered and in some contexts we've fallen just a bit short of having outright sex in public. The porn industry, the internet and those steamy-leave-nothing-to-the-imagination music videos have all played their part in desensitizing us on the issue of sexual openness. Of course, there is a very positive side to the new openness on sex.

We are more willing to fight for what we want in intimate relationships. We're more knowledgeable about our bodies and our individual sexual responsiveness. For the most part, we're no longer ashamed to talk about sex and the issues which confront our marriages. But too far East is still usually West. I'm convinced that we're suffering from a level of sexual over-exposure which has the potential to rob our sex of its beauty, mystique and sensuality.

I was no more convinced of this than after recently viewing a very risqué Australian condom advertisement. The couple in the ad scenario proceeded (while in a drug store) to try out, literally, a variety of condoms. All of this naked sex was of, course, taking place under the unimpressed eyes of the pharmacist and customers who milled around as if the sex was indeed no big deal.

And this is my problem with some of the new sexual openness as portrayed in this commercial. While attempting to take the sting out of the issue of condom purchasing and use, it also succeeded in reducing sex and equating it with nothing more than the casual trying on of a pair of shoes; so to speak. While not all sex in the media may be treated with quite this level of mundaneness, I think you get my point.

Sex is so much in our faces every day that we have long lost the value of understated sexiness, of slow sensuality, and of sweet, private abandon. Now everyone knows or can guess what everyone else is doing in the bedroom. A willingness to discuss sex or work at improving it is one thing. It's an entirely different thing to trivialize it because it is now so readily accessible and overworked in the media.

Maybe some will say that today's irreverence is merely a large-scale social fallout, which is being felt all the way in the bedroom. While this may very well be true, it is also the more reason why couples need to guard their marriages from the negative effects of today's sexual desensitization. So how can we bring sweet sensuality back to our relationships? How can we preserve the sanctity of sexual intimacy without allowing it to degenerate into mere public displays of animal instinct?

If we're to treat sex as a special, sacred element in our marriages, then that means committing to grooming it into the special act we know instinctively it was meant to be. This can in turn add new life to our tired and burnt-out sexual relationships. The following tips should help us to redefine our sex at a time when sex has perhaps become just a tad ordinary.

1. Appeal to the senses. While sex need not be confined to your bedroom, creating a boudoir of this special space is a great step towards reclaiming a special sexual intimacy; this simply means getting creative with your bedroom décor and includes what you wear to bed. Enhancing the atmosphere or environment where sex occurs with sensory appeal can add a feeling of special privacy to your love life.

2. Prioritize your relationship. Sexual intimacy is enhanced when a couple pays special attention to their overall relationship. Reserving time for each other and being sensitized to rediscovering and affirming each other's emotional needs can only deepen the quality of the relationship. This will obviously spill over to the sex.

3. Remain touchy-feely. Flirting with your spouse reminds him/her of why you two got together in the first place. Playful looks, touching, and terms of endearment that are unique to you as a couple should be reserved for each other only; in other words, don’t flirt with others.

4. View sex as a continuum; not an event. Allowing your sex to cook slowly is critical. This means beginning foreplay in the morning or afternoon with kind gestures, heated phone calls and general attentive behavior, which will hopefully intensify when you connect later.

5. Commit to keeping all your sexual eggs in one basket. Sexual and emotional loyalty to your spouse affirms the exclusivity of your relationship—that you’re definitely not up for grabs—and sends a powerful signal to anyone who may attempt to interfere.

Dr. Denise J Charles is an educator, counselor, relationship-coach, published author and blogger. She holds a Masters Degree in Education and is a qualified trainer-of-trainers. Denise is Executive Director of "Better Blends Relationship Institute," a counseling and training entity founded by herself and her husband Gabriel. Denise’s blog on sex can be found "here". Denise’s new book is "How To Have Mind-Blowing Sex Without Losing Your Brain.".

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