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You Don't Have to Live Your Spouse's DreamHave a dream, but your spouse isn’t really feeling it? Why it’s important to keep them in the equation, but at a distance that pleases you both.
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Just because you're into something doesn't mean you need to drag your spouse along for the ride.
“ Just because you got married doesn’t mean you and your beloved will grow in precisely the same directions.”
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If you’ve developed a fascination with mountain climbing and scaling the Himalayas is now on your bucket list, pick a friend who mountain climbs to go do it with!
It is tragic and unfair to expect your spouse, a loving mate in so many ways, but who has a desperate fear of heights, to join you in your mountain climbing adventure. You will either spend your whole time trying to teach, cajole, push and prod your spouse into climbing, and/or you will be frustrated and resentful at him/her for not doing so and spoiling your fun. Either way, you will both have a perfectly miserable time of it.
Sounds like basic common sense, right? Yet this is precisely what we do to our mates when we insist they join us in whatever experience we’ve decided we want—that they don’t.
People grow. We never stop growing and changing in a million ways, large and small, from birth to death. Just because you got married doesn’t mean you and your beloved will grow in precisely the same directions. It’s pretty much guaranteed that you won’t! Yet too often we expect our husbands and wives to be by our sides through all our varied life-interests: every dream, every hobby, every exploration. Absolutely not going to happen.
But here’s the thing: it’s not good for you to abandon a dream just because your spouse doesn’t want to live that dream with you. Instead, focus on ways you can experience your dream, while keeping your spouse in the equation in a way that pleases him/her.
For example, your spouse may never want to get near a mountain peak, but might enjoy meeting you at the charming café at the base of the mountain after your practice session. Or your spouse may happily explore the nearby woods and photograph every bird, tree and snail in sight, snuggling up to you at the end of your mountain climbing day, both of you having satisfied your respective interests. Or your spouse may enjoy some alone time, reading that special book and relish both the solitude and the good-feel of your safe return home.
In other words, if you want to mountain climb, pick someone to do it with who mountain climbs! Then you'll be free to really develop your mountain-climbing skills, enjoy the scenery along the way, and happily share the experience with your sweetheart on your return.
Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, consultant, popular speaker in the U.S. and abroad, and author of over a dozen best-selling books. Dr. Nelson focuses on how we can all enjoy happy, fulfilling lives while accomplishing great things in love, at home and at work, as we appreciate ourselves, our world and all others. She is the author of "Happy Healthy…Dead: Why What You Think You Know About Aging Is Wrong and How To Get It Right." You Matter. You Count. You Are Important. Visit www.noellenelson.com, Facebook.com/MeetTheAmazings, #MeetTheAmazings, @drnoellenelson.
It is tragic and unfair to expect your spouse, a loving mate in so many ways, but who has a desperate fear of heights, to join you in your mountain climbing adventure. You will either spend your whole time trying to teach, cajole, push and prod your spouse into climbing, and/or you will be frustrated and resentful at him/her for not doing so and spoiling your fun. Either way, you will both have a perfectly miserable time of it.
Sounds like basic common sense, right? Yet this is precisely what we do to our mates when we insist they join us in whatever experience we’ve decided we want—that they don’t.
People grow. We never stop growing and changing in a million ways, large and small, from birth to death. Just because you got married doesn’t mean you and your beloved will grow in precisely the same directions. It’s pretty much guaranteed that you won’t! Yet too often we expect our husbands and wives to be by our sides through all our varied life-interests: every dream, every hobby, every exploration. Absolutely not going to happen.
But here’s the thing: it’s not good for you to abandon a dream just because your spouse doesn’t want to live that dream with you. Instead, focus on ways you can experience your dream, while keeping your spouse in the equation in a way that pleases him/her.
For example, your spouse may never want to get near a mountain peak, but might enjoy meeting you at the charming café at the base of the mountain after your practice session. Or your spouse may happily explore the nearby woods and photograph every bird, tree and snail in sight, snuggling up to you at the end of your mountain climbing day, both of you having satisfied your respective interests. Or your spouse may enjoy some alone time, reading that special book and relish both the solitude and the good-feel of your safe return home.
In other words, if you want to mountain climb, pick someone to do it with who mountain climbs! Then you'll be free to really develop your mountain-climbing skills, enjoy the scenery along the way, and happily share the experience with your sweetheart on your return.
Noelle C. Nelson, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, consultant, popular speaker in the U.S. and abroad, and author of over a dozen best-selling books. Dr. Nelson focuses on how we can all enjoy happy, fulfilling lives while accomplishing great things in love, at home and at work, as we appreciate ourselves, our world and all others. She is the author of "Happy Healthy…Dead: Why What You Think You Know About Aging Is Wrong and How To Get It Right." You Matter. You Count. You Are Important. Visit www.noellenelson.com, Facebook.com/MeetTheAmazings, #MeetTheAmazings, @drnoellenelson.
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